The Enemy: Onions

Do you remember the first time your parents trusted you with a knife? My guess is that the knife was put in your hand to chop onions.

Cutting onions is the biggest pain in the as-, eyes. Unless you have been around onions for years, you are guaranteed to cry. And even if you have been hiding open onions under your pillow to train for such moments you will still, at the very least, tear up.

It’s a terribly exhausting experience to go through. There was even a time when I preferred cooking meals that didn’t require any onions, but those meals were boring and plain. I needed onions back; I wanted them back.

I thought it would be better after some time apart but it turned out to be the same grueling work as it’s always been. I congratulate myself for holding back tears five seconds in, but let myself down when tears start streaming down my face.

Some times are better than others. On good days I just cry through it, but there comes a point when I can’t see my surroundings anymore. It’s like the onion wants me to slice my finger open; the enemy. I know better. I put the knife down and walk away, get as far from the onion as possible to regain my composure. I shut my eyes tight, and try to squeeze out the lingering tears. Then I stretch my face, but I don’t know why that does absolutely nothing.

Each time I go back to the cutting board my boyfriend has attempts to take over. He lasts a little longer than me but always meets the same fate. The onions get the best of him also.

The whole process takes no more than 5 minutes before we’re both back to normal, but sometimes I just want to make a caramelized onion tart with gorgonzola and brie cheese without looking like a 16 year old girl who’s just been cheated on by her quarterback boyfriend with her best friend, you know what I mean?

So, I’m thinking of investing in Bed Bath and Beyond’s Onion Goggles. Have you used them yet? I tried swimming goggles, but they failed me.

Bonus: If you want to laugh after such a depressing, negative, ridiculous post (sorry!), watch the demo starring a Bed Bath and Beyond employee.

Added Bonus: This post reads ten times better with Everytime by Britney Spears playing in the background.

2 Comments

  1. 1

    Love this post- so true! It’s the most annoying thing… and I’ve been around onions for years too, I chop them frequently for cooking, you’d think my eyes would get accustomed to it… but NO! I cry every time and feel like such a wimp, haha! Oh dear. But, I’ll suffer some things for good food. 🙂 And I’ve had jalapeno juice IN my eyes three times, so… yeah, fun stuff that happens in the kitchen! Thanks for the laugh. 🙂

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