The Enemy: Onions

Do you remember the first time your parents trusted you with a knife? My guess is that the knife was put in your hand to chop onions.

Cutting onions is the biggest pain in the as-, eyes. Unless you have been around onions for years, you are guaranteed to cry. And even if you have been hiding open onions under your pillow to train for such moments you will still, at the very least, tear up.

It’s a terribly exhausting experience to go through. There was even a time when I preferred cooking meals that didn’t require any onions, but those meals were boring and plain. I needed onions back; I wanted them back.

I thought it would be better after some time apart but it turned out to be the same grueling work as it’s always been. I congratulate myself for holding back tears five seconds in, but let myself down when tears start streaming down my face.

Some times are better than others. On good days I just cry through it, but there comes a point when I can’t see my surroundings anymore. It’s like the onion wants me to slice my finger open; the enemy. I know better. I put the knife down and walk away, get as far from the onion as possible to regain my composure. I shut my eyes tight, and try to squeeze out the lingering tears. Then I stretch my face, but I don’t know why that does absolutely nothing.

Each time I go back to the cutting board my boyfriend has attempts to take over. He lasts a little longer than me but always meets the same fate. The onions get the best of him also.

The whole process takes no more than 5 minutes before we’re both back to normal, but sometimes I just want to make a caramelized onion tart with gorgonzola and brie cheese without looking like a 16 year old girl who’s just been cheated on by her quarterback boyfriend with her best friend, you know what I mean?

So, I’m thinking of investing in Bed Bath and Beyond’s Onion Goggles. Have you used them yet? I tried swimming goggles, but they failed me.

Bonus: If you want to laugh after such a depressing, negative, ridiculous post (sorry!), watch the demo starring a Bed Bath and Beyond employee.

Added Bonus: This post reads ten times better with Everytime by Britney Spears playing in the background.

Oh, Common Blake Lively!

This quote from Blake Lively featured on the Shape Magazine website sucks.

“I eat cupcakes and I don’t work out! But if you ask me in 10 years, I’m going to regret answering that way now. I don’t even drink water, I’m terrible! I’m 24 now, so I guess I’ve been very, very lucky that it doesn’t show that I like to eat. I should probably start working out I guess…” 

– Blake Lively 

You guess? This is not cool. In fact, I’m offended. Why rub this in the faces of all the Shape Magazine readers? Why not just say cupcakes are your guilty pleasure, and that even though you like to eat, you eat responsibly. That seems pleasant and realistic, especially since you looooove to cook. And, you don’t drink water!?

You are either a non human who can only consume cup cakes or lying to us all. I really hope it turns out you’re not human because no one likes a liar, no one (not even Ryan). But what do I know? You’re the one with the gigantic rock on your finger.

Photo cred: Buzzfeed.com

Anastasia Steele vs. Eating

Sometimes you have to read books just to know what is going on. I don’t ever want to be left out of a conversation that revolves around a book. That being said, I finished Fifty Shades of Grey and the only question I have is: why the doesn’t Anastasia Steele like to eat?What is this strange thing she had against food?

She’s going to let this gorgeous man basically own her and one of the things he demands is that she eat, and eat well. I don’t mean to be intrusive or tell Anastasia how to live her life but… WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ANASTASIA?

The man is loaded and would love take you to any restaurant for 3 course meals, I bet he would even do 5 courses. As long as you make him think it was his idea of course, but that’s the easy part. Not to mention that you don’t have to feel guilty about enjoying the food since he also demands you work out with a personal trainer 4 times a week. Why you’d bring it down to three beats me (pun intended). It’s free, Anastasia. Free!

I also catch myself wondering what his kitchen looks like. Swooooon.

Enough is Enough

You know that person who receives and/or makes a big plate of food, and is able to stop eating when they feel full no matter how much food they have left in their plate?  I do, and that person is not me. That person is the complete opposite of me. But she is my best friend, a best friend that will remain nameless unless referred to by her name, Michele.

One upon a time Michele was “starving” wanting – no, needing – food.

“I’m so hungry I could die. Not die but I could really faint. SERIOUSLY!” She complained.

I know how awful those hungry headaches can be so I gave in so I gave in even though we were meeting a group of girlfriends in two hours time. We settled for the best hold-you-over snack I know… a good old grilled cheese sandwich. They are delicious, filling and small. Brilliant!

Important side note: My “healthy” version of the grilled cheese is made with wheat bread, Michele only keeps white bread at her house. I succumbed to peer pressure.

Long story short, the grilled cheese was made, it smelled delicious and tasted great. The two perfectly toasted sandwiches would have made it straight through to Snack Heaven. We both had a bite and  before we could comment on how nice the warmth of a fresh grilled cheese felt on our fingers, her phone rang. I wouldn’t have picked it up for fear the cheese would get cold but Michele had to take it; it was her boyfriend.

When she got back, my grilled cheese was gone; hers was still neatly situated on her plate with only one bite missing. What happens next may not shock you but I was floored, alarmed, taken back. Michele said she was full and couldn’t finish the sandwich as she pushed her plate over to my side of the table.

What! Full? FULL? I had thoughts in my head I wanted to yell but decided it would be better for our friendship if I kept them to myself. The thought process basically went as follows:

  • I was not the one that wanted a snack in the first place. You traitor!
  • How can you throw away perfectly good food! Especially a grilled cheese!
  • Don’t you know there are people starving out there!
  • It wasn’t that big, finish it if only as a thank you. You are very unappreciative!
  • You are a liar.
  • I don’t believe you are full! I don’t believe you were ever hungry!
  • Was this some mean ploy to make me fat?
  • Why couldn’t I Just Say No!
  • But it was so good.
  • I guess I can just finish it.
  • I hate you for doing this to me.

The thought process should have been as follows:

  • What a shame.
  • I’ll wrap it up and see if anyone else wants it tomorrow.

I remember reading that if you eat very slowly  your body feels full and you don’t eat more than you need. I have always been told I eat way too fast and that’s why I can finish an entire plate of whatever is in front of me. I’ve tested this theory and it does not work.  Correction, it does not work for me.   When do you stop? How do you know when you’ve had enough?

I know that sometimes I overeat, but I never seem to be able to know my limit. I make the conscious decision to think about it,  but by the time I’m done thinking I have already finished eating an entire plate.  I  tried to count calories but that turned out to be more of a running joke. I hate math. It’s not as if I feel overweight or I think it’s a big issue or I’m embarrassed that I eat more than my boyfriend…